When I pressed publish on my very first blog post, no one knew about it.

The debate of whether or not to start a blog had been raging on in my head for months. I analyzed the pros and cons, and when I finally made the decision to register with WordPress, I didn’t tell anybody. I thought up a domain name, wrote an introductory post (which was terrible and embarrassing and has since been deleted), and posted it on the internet for virtually anyone to see.

Except, of course, for the people who know me in real life.

At first, it wasn’t intentional. Blogging isn’t exactly a topic that comes up casually in day-to-day conversation, and I never wanted to abruptly start talking about it. But after a while, I noticed that even when the rare opportunity for me to mention my blog to someone presented itself, I would refrain. And I didn’t know why. There wasn’t anything particularly personal or embarrassing on my blog that I didn’t want people I interact with in the real world to know about. No rational reason why I shouldn’t tell anybody. So, why was I so intent on keeping it a secret?

 

In searching for the answer, I started to consider how my desire to keep my blog secret related to other things I prioritize, and I came to the conclusion that the reason I was so worried about it had to do with authenticity on the internet.

Even if we try to remain as authentically ourselves as possible, there are some discrepancies in how we act on the internet and how we act in real life. What we post isn’t always conducive to what we’re feeling in the exact moment it’s posted because internet time moves a lot slower than real time, especially when you’re a blogger.

When I finish writing a blog post, I don’t immediately post it. I let it sit in my drafts for a few days until I’ve had the proper time to check it for errors and make sure it is in its best possible form. While this allows me to put up work that I’m proud of, it also sometimes creates discord between how I’m feeling now and how I felt when I actually wrote the post. Because let’s face it: a lot can change in a three-day time frame.  

Obviously, this doesn’t happen with everything. My opinion on a lipstick or a recipe I really love isn’t going to dramatically switch in a 48-hour span. But what can change (and what frequently does change) is my state of being.

Let’s say I’m having an incredibly productive day when I write a post about goals and motivation. By the time I get around to editing the post and preparing it for publication, I might not still feel goal-driven or motivated. I might have spent the entire day napping or watching Netflix. Yet here I am, getting ready to post a piece about all the items on my to-do list.

It’s a conflicting feeling. Because even when I don’t feel motivated, those goals are still lingering in the back of my mind. They are still things I want to accomplish. Yet, I don’t always feel as motivated to achieve them when I hit publish.

The same thing goes during the holidays. Despite writing festive, upbeat content throughout the month of December, I’m not always festive and upbeat. The holiday season may be one of my favorite times of year, but it is also one of the most stressful, which means that I spend a decent chunk of the month running around, struggling to get every single item on my to-do list checked off. Inevitably, there are days when I’m stressed yet putting up posts with titles like “my favorite things about the holidays” or “fun and easy gift ideas.”

This isn’t to say that my blog posts aren’t reflections of me; it just means they can’t possibly reflect every.single.moment. of my life. Although I hate the sense of disconnect that comes with publishing a blog post that isn’t accurate to my current state of mind,

I don’t want my blog to be a place where I worry about what’s on my agenda for the day. I want it to be a place where I can forget about my agenda altogether. And I think that’s why I was so hesitant to tell people about my blog when I first started it. There’s more pressure to appear a certain way when you know people who really know you are reading.

I feel like this post is one giant, jumbled ramble, and I apologize if it seems that way to you. This actually went in an entirely different direction than I had expected, but I hope it can be relatable in some way (or at the very least, be entertaining).

Thank you so much for reading!

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